Understanding and Remembering

Many a times I've made countless of mistakes be it in taking up a new employment or even to picking the right shoes and even as an adult sometimes I don't learn from the mistakes. Sometimes arrogance take the lead and sometimes forgetfulness tends to rear it's head too.

There are times when I sit back and I think back to the mistakes that I made and at this age of mine I slowly begin to understand that a lot of situations that we go through, mistakes that we unintentionally make are all part of a learning curve that God wants us to go through. My daily prayers consist of asking for patience and God doesn't deliver it on a silver platter. I know that the Bible always tells us that God works in mysterious ways, that whatever we ask for, He always imparts lessons to us before that. Sad to say, I always overlook the lesson part until it's over.

Even simple matters like buying shoes. I've always had a proclivity for beautiful and crazily high heels. Luckily I never buy them cos I know I'll never wear them. One reason being I don't think I can balance that well and second because I think I'll kill myself rather than wear something so uncomfortable but look sexy in it. In the past month, I've bought 3 pairs of shoes. Each time when I try them on, they're perfect but after taking them home and wearing them for a couple of hours, my feet starts to blister and I know I've made the wrong choice. Why I keep choosing the wrong shoes I still can't understand. It always feels so comfortable when I try them on, walking a bit around the boutique to get the feel but I guess, some shoes are just not meant for me. Be it, flats, ballerina look alike shoes or even open toe shoes. That's just shoes.

Not counting other major decisions in life that I've got to make that sometimes I wish would be easily made. Part of being an adult that I totally abhor at times.

Having the time to make decisions and to think back, I realised that I need a stronger understanding and also remembering factor in my life especially on lessons learnt. That way, I won't make the same faux pas again the next time.

What is your price?

I had a very funny dialogue session with a friend a couple of days ago. We were talking shop, bullshitting about nothing then he suddenly asked me, "What is your price?" I never thought it would mean anything, but he meant it in another way. As in, if someone would have offered me a price for a night with a man what would it be? I've never thought I'd ever resort to that. NO! Make it I'll never resort to that. Even I'd have to beg on the roadside I don't think I'll ever spend a night with an unknown man. He continued and said that some friends of his actually have a price, as high as RM100K a night.

I later asked another friend, a girl this time. She was surprised but she was bright enough comparatively to me, that she was offended. Hahaha!!! I told her I didn't meant it in a bad way but I was asked this question by a guy friend and I was curious. Would anyone actually need $ that badly they'd do it? Isn't that the same as prostitution? Then the ball got rolling.


We were discussing how in the world could a woman be that desperate enough to prostitute herself. But my friend, let's call her E. E said, maybe it's not considered prostitution for her. Maybe it's just sex. Hello?! Sex with money paid out. Isn't that prostitution?! E said, "What if it's a one time off, since the $ would be a big amount maybe it wouldn't be" "Then what is that?" I asked her. Can't be a kept woman cos a kept woman would need to service her man when and wherever he wants. There's no way a kept woman can say no to her man, since he pays for everything. Her manicure, pedicure, her facials, her car, her condo, her Gucci shoes, LV bags.

"So what about just for the thrill sake then?" E asked? Hmmm. A good option. How many well educated woman, with a high-flying careers or maybe a career, don't need to be high-flying career, will agree to have sex for $ and for the sake of thrill? That sounds more reasonable maybe. That made me ponder, how many women out there will actually do that? A show of hands please?

Bewitched

Lately I've had this urge to watch Bewitched. Not the new version starring Nicole Kidman but starring Elizabeth Montgomery.

Surprisingly enough a lot of my friends have not heard of this sitcom. It was aired on Malaysian tv in the early 80s. I wonder what was shown here or was it that, no one actually remembered it or didn't even watch it back then.

Bewitched is actually about this witch played by Elizabeth Montgomery married to a mortal, played by Dick York and later on replaced by another actor. I vaguely remembered that I loved this sitcom when I was young and somehow after downloading it lately and watching it all over again, I realised that even back then, they actually showed male machoness to a whole mighty new level, especially in this show. Either I didn't realised it or I was never exposed to it last time, nor now even.

The whole sitcom talks about how Samantha the witch tries her best to adapt to a mortal life and give up witchcraft just because her husband Darrin dislikes to be different. He expects her to bow to his every wish. Funny enough he takes all kind of crap from his boss, Larry, who from time to time, barges into Darrin's private life, self-invites himself to their house for dinner, imposes all kinds of inconvenience to Darrin and Samantha. The show also stars Endora, who is Samantha's mother, apparently a witch as well who stirs up hell for Darrin. Actually the pranks that she plays on him gives him a good lesson but he never seems to learn from it. Shows how men can be really pig-headed at times. Hahahah!!!

All in all, after watching so many seasons of Bewitched, it has dawned on me that male egoistic and machoness has never actually gone away. I might say it has been repressed tremendously which is totally fantastic as I bet, nowadays women would be totally put off with all that ego. But one thing stays I guess, a boss that always impedes on our own personal time.

So here's to Bewitched. A totally fantastic entertaining movie, minus all the egoism inside of course. Hahahah!!

Would you?

On an early Monday morning I got an sms around 3am and my heart skipped a beat when I heard it. After the fear of hearing the phone ring and getting bad news a couple of months back, the fear still continues to grip me. But thank God, it's just an sms mentioning that my grooming school principal's birthday is on Monday and there will be a surprise party for him and all students are asked to join. I guess, some people do really don't need to sleep much and still can work more than 10 hours a day. (Referring to my other grooming teacher)


Anyway, as usual, the day goes by and my husband fetched me to the party which was held in SS15, Subang. He was as always so thoughtful and kind enough to stay on at Station 1 cafe to have his own dinner and do his own things while his wife was enjoying herself at the party. Where can a woman find such a husband eh?

The party went fine and before I knew it, it was 10pm and I knew after a long hard day hubby's getting tired and would like to go home. So I excused myself, gave my principal a hug and left to find my husband at Station 1 cafe. He packed up his notebook and left the cafe. I thought I'd bring him over to wish my principal a Happy Birthday as well since he does know my principal.

Funny enough when we got back, while showering my husband suddenly let out a yell. I thought that he dropped his facial soap into the toilet bowl or something like that. Incidentally, it has happened before so I'm not surprised. I found out that he forgot to pay his bill before he left Station 1 cafe. Talk about being old and forgetful. I bet someday I'll be that too, old, forgetful and forget to pay my bills. Everyone's human after all and human do make mistakes right?

Well, the next evening, we went to the cafe to pay the bill and the manager was pleasantly surprised that we came back to do so. I guess he never expected anyone to actually come all the way back to pay the bill, moreover it's the next day.

I wonder how many people would actually do that. Would you?

When I die...

As I mentioned in my previous entry, I've experienced so much in such a few months. During one of my breakfast with my siblings my brother brought up a question, kind of like ironic seeing that we just only buried my dad the day before. His question was what would we like done when we die?

The reason the question came up was because it was all of a sudden and we weren't prepared to what we should do, what should be done first as we're a Christian family but a majority of my dad's side aren't coverts, meaning they still either are free-thinkers or follow Buddhism. So, there's a lot of what I'll called silent disagreement on how my father should be respected and how the last rites should be done.

Therefore, I write this with hope that one day when I die I'd like:

1) To be buried back in my hometown, Kuching Sarawak. (Though I may not know where I'll be, maybe halfway around the world when I die and will bring problems to my dearest ones in bringing my body back)

2) I'd like flowers with peaceful and soothing Christian songs played during the whole time, from preparation till burial. No chanting, no incense burning.

3) I'd like to have a Christian burial ceremony. I'd like to see peace between everybody and no trying to find which way's the best way to pay respects to me.

4) I'd like everyone to smile and not cry for I believe that I would have lived a wonderful and fulfilled life by then.

Death will always be unpredictable and something that will always bring tears but at least my fears are aligned to such that I know where I'm going and I'm prepared.

My dad

It has been months since I last updated this page. So many things has happened since then. For one, I lost my dad in an accident. Thanks to an 18 year old student who decides to be irresponsible for that day, I lost my dad, just like that. I have waited too long to write this as I didn't want the tears to flow but I guess I can't run away from the fact and it will always keep flowing whenever I think of dad.

The day that I heard the news was about 7am on 23rd May 2009. The whole night I've been tossing and turning, having this uneasy feeling but I couldn't quite put a finger to it. When the phone rang, the dread started to set in but the news caught me so off-guard that I couldn't cry when I heard it. All that I could hear was my mum sobbing incoherently saying that my dad was involved in an accident. I thought that he was seriously injured and I could still make it in time to go back to see him get well.

As I dialed my sister and brother's number, I was praying hard like I've never prayed before in my whole life that my dad would be ok. But the worse has yet to come. I later got a call from my uncle that my dad had passed away. The cruelty of it was I can't say goodbye to him personally. I can't tell him I love him. I can't hug him. He was gone just like that.

The journey home is really vague, but I just can only recall seeing my dad's body in the morgue when I went to identified him as I was the first one back before my other siblings. The memory will forever be etched in my mind. He looks as if he's just sleeping peacefully there. But the doctor said that his bones in his legs were all broken and he moved it for me to see, saying also that my dad was flunged pretty far after the car hit him. There was a huge gash on his thigh as well, also a fracture behind his skull. Now I totally understand why in certain scenarios, some relatives will try their best to deter you from entering the morgue as till today I still can picture it all over again.

The whole thing passed so fast that before we knew it, it was time for the burial. When we were to say our last goodbyes to our dad, the feeling was indescribable. Sad is just a word. Heart-wrenching is also just another word. Anger, pain, regret? Nothing can describe my feeling at that time and nothing will ever be able to.

After the rites has been done, we all went back to a house that's full of memories, happy ones, funny ones, memorable ones and every night I struggle to close my eyes to sleep as I don't want a day to pass by. I want to go back in time, where I don't have to feel all this pain and I don't need to have that vision of my dad lying there but I can't do anything about it.

I've been told that sometimes Christians question God, especially in times like this, as to why do bad things happen to good people? Why Christians suffer? I wanted to ask God to but somehow I never did and never have that intention.

The only blame I put is on the driver and the government of Sarawak. You'd ask why? I'll tell you why. Every morning my parents would go for their morning walk around my area before walking to the market. There used to be a pedestrian bridge there but was torn down to accommodate a new flyover. The government actually installed a traffic light with pedestrian crossing help but the light changes so fast, even I had to run across to make it in time. So I question how does the authority expects older people to run across with their age? What pisses me off more than anything was when some journalist actually made a coverage on this matter as my father wasn't the first victim killed at that junction and post a question to the previous BN assemblyman that stayed near my place, a Mr Alfred. He has the nerve to put the blame on the driver solely on him and his comment on the torn down pedestrian bridge was because no one uses it. What nerve!!! I will admit that the driver is to be blamed but what about the government? Would my father be alive now if the light doesn't change that fast? Will my father be alive right now if the pedestrian bridge wasn't torn down? That I'll never know anymore.

The only assurance I can get is I know that I'll meet my dad one day in Heaven. That's the only way that my tears would stop flowing.

Never trust

Whistling a happy tune in her heart, Haley has a new spring in her step as she gets ready for work. “I wonder why am I so happy to go to work? I must be going mad” thought Haley.

It has been months since Haley felt this sort of happiness. She has wonderful colleagues. Though most of them are a little quiet for her liking but they are a great bunch. Lunch is always full of laughter, especially when Simon’s around. He makes the room alive with laughter, re-enacting funny moments and making jokes. Almost everyday Haley and most of her colleagues eat lunch together. It feels like a small family during lunch hour.

As the weeks passed by, Haley is beginning to think that this might be the company that actually has the potential. Potential to appreciate their staff, the potential to not have any office political nonsense but she was in for a huge shock of her life. The sinister creep of a quiet monster goes unseen. All unaware except for one, Denise. She has been the victim of this unrelentless mental and emotional torture and abuse.

Haley and her best friend Annie has started noticing the verbal abuse but left it unsaid. Hoping that it was just a phase that the tyrant lady (TL) is going through. But as time passes on, the presence of this TL is beginning to make an impact in the office. Small snide remarks are being made by her. “Stupid! Useless!” Those are the words coming out from the mouth of this TL.

Still Haley and Annie tried to ignore it until one day Denise couldn’t take it and to everyone’s surprise she resigned. Denise had mentioned some of the abuse she has taken from the TL to Haley but from the outlook, she looks so docile and kind. Denise has warned Haley before this, “Be careful Haley. She’s not as what you expect her to be.”

Haley being Haley, never judges a person by just another person’s comment. She believes that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Thanks to watching too much CSI movies over the years. But Haley’s nightmare is just about to begin.

In February, Haley was seconded to another project and is to work with the TL. She was quite excited as this was something new and she was looking forward to it. Everything was fine till one day, the TL called Haley in for a meeting. “Haley, I think you should be more proactive, speak out more. You’re too quiet. You have talent and I can see that but you need to build that up”, said the TL. Haley kept quiet, looking at the TL. Making silent notes to herself to buck up on her work. Unfortunately for Haley, that was the first mistake she did. Keeping quiet was her biggest mistake ever, especially in front of the TL.

As another month passed by, there have been many meetings on the project that Haley was working on. She has seen a more sinister side of the TL, without her knowing it. The TL has gone power crazy. Hunger for power was shown in her eyes. As her eyes glint evilly, the TL has started a political warfare in the office. Soon, the project director decided to take a leave of absence from the project, stating personal reasons. No one quite understood why this was happening, especially when the project was at its crucial point. But Haley began to understand what was happening but kept it to herself.

One fine day, as Haley was making amendments for God knows probably the 10th time on the format of the document, she was surprised to see the TL walking into the room. The TL was always adamant that she cannot be seen in the client’s place as this project was under a totally different company.

The story goes back to the year of 2008. The TL and her husband decided to form a company called Nexus. Nexus is supposed to be a consulting company that specializes in bank consultation. On the other hand TL’s husband has an existing company by the name of Ingrid Systems. Ingrid Systems has been in the market for a couple of years and specializes in banking systems and solutions. As there has been always a fair fight to get banks as their clients, many IT companies would have to submit a tender before the project would be awarded to them.

However for the case of Ingrid Systems and Nexus, Ingrid Systems has been trying hard to win a local bank’s IT project. Both husband and wife team decided that in order to win this particular bank’s IT project, they would need to use a back way in, that was to go in to the bank as another consulting company and try to appease the customer and influence them to use Ingrid Systems. That was why Nexus was formed. But Haley and her team members were warned to not say anything about Ingrid Systems. She and her team was not supposed to have heard or know about Ingrid Systems at all.

Haley looked confusingly at the TL, wondering why she was at the client’s place when she adamantly insisted that she cannot be there as she was known to be the wife of the owner of Ingrid Systems. “This cannot be good. She must be here to make more changes” thought Haley. True to her word, the TL was asking her and her other 2 colleagues to again make changes to the format of the document.

This time the TL insisted that everyone followed the format for the Table of Contents instead of using the old one. Haley then remembered what the TL mentioned to her in the previous meeting, voiced out that maybe she can help compile everything after everyone has made their content changes and re-do the Table of Contents last as she knew that her other 2 colleagues were not too computer savvy.

The TL stared at her without blinking an eye. She commented, “It’s not hard. Anyone can do it. Why is it so difficult to change?” Haley kept quiet. It was not her style to go against her superior unless it was really necessary. The TL stared down at Haley, and then moved nearer to her. “Haley, please open the document that I’ve sent to you earlier” said the TL. “What do you think of this font for the header? Do you think it looks alright? Or should we use a bigger font?” asked the TL. “Anything will do” said Haley. She didn’t think that the font size would make any difference. What is important to her is the content of the document.

Haley did not see the TL’s eyes narrowed in anger towards her but her colleague Coleman saw it. After the TL left, Coleman said, “You shouldn’t have said anything will do. She didn’t like that”. “What? I didn’t have any views on the fonts. I think the content is what’s important. We’ve been changing the format for God knows how many times. First it’s the Project Director who changed it then the TL changed it behind his back. Back and forth for at least 6 times already. How many times do they want to change it?!” raged Haley. She has reached her boiling point. She knew that it was not Coleman’s fault and she told him, “I’m not angry at you. It’s just that I find all these petty things like font size, table of contents are unnecessary to be looked into until the final stage”.

Haley was starting to get really pissed off with the TL. She blew her top when the TL called her on Friday, raising her voice asking Haley, “Did you see your document before you sent it to me? Did you print it out?!” Haley was shocked by her tone of voice. She thought to herself “Oh no, what mistake did I do? I’ve read through all of it. I didn’t find anything missing” “No, I did not print it out. Is anything wrong with the document?” Haley asked the TL. “Of course there is! The font’s too small. You used Arial and size 11. How can you expect anyone to read such a small font?! Next time print out before you send it to me!” screamed the TL. “How many times I tell you that first impression makes all the difference! If you sent something like this to the client what would they think?! Do you need me to repeat all these again and again?” screamed the TL? “No. You don’t need to repeat” cut in Haley. The TL was shocked that Haley had the nerve to answer her back. The TL put down her phone. Haley was seething. Angry to the point that she would have hurled the phone into the glass door right there and then.

From that day onwards, the TL stared to make Haley’s life a living hell. The TL started finding small faults of Haley and making it a big issue. She started going around the office asking Haley’s colleague about Haley’s leave application, making it sound as if Haley was lying to her about her leave. When Haley found out, she was furious. “Who does she think she is? She’s not even the owner of the company. She’s just Ingrid System’s boss’s wife. How dare she?!” screamed Haley. She was venting out all her frustration to Denise and Annie. They sympathized but she knew they couldn’t do anything. She just felt so angry and helpless.

Haley knew it wouldn’t be too soon that there was another issue created by this TL. She now knew how bitter this woman was. Go against her even on a small matter and she’ll unleash all her power to make anyone’s life miserable. The TL was unforgiving. To think that previously she was so nice to Haley, telling her stories of when she was young, how rich she was, how she actually bought her first semi-detached house when she was only 29, how she knew all these big shots and they helped her a lot because she’s such a nice person and she always remembers her friends. “Bull shit! All just crap!” thought Haley.

The turning point came when the TL accused Haley’s colleague of lying for her. Haley couldn’t believe that the TL would stoop so low as to accuse her colleagues of lying. Haley has always tried to find her own ways to get things done. As she was based at her client’s place, there was no internet access. The only access she can get is via the modem that was being used by her project manager. She decided to try out the website www.wirelesskl.com and lo and behold she managed to get free internet access, though a poor one. She was happily using the free wireless one day when the TL called Coleman and her project manager. “How come she can go online?! Why is she using the modem? !That’s for work! It should be used constantly by the project manager! Where is he? I want to talk to him?” thundered the TL. Coleman was a small size man but pretty daring. “She’s not using the modem. The modem’s plugged in to the project manager’s notebook. I can see it before my eyes. It’s true” said Coleman.

Haley was staring at Coleman. Knowing that it must be the TL that called him. His brow furrowed and he looked stressed. “What did she want? What accusations now is she hurling at me Coleman?” asked Haley. Coleman sighed. “I think she’s really trying to do you out. She’s saying that she doesn’t believe what I say. She’s saying that you’re using the modem as she found out that you’re chatting with Annie over the internet” said Coleman. “How dare she accuse you and me like that?! I was just asking Annie over the internet what time should we go back for the company meeting. That bitch!” said Haley. “She’s going to call our project manager and ask him the same thing” said Coleman.

Haley couldn’t believe her ears. She was trying hard to understand. What was actually going through the TL’s mind. “Why is she doing this? What did I do to deserve this? She’s going to the extend of making not only my life miserable but other’s as well.” thought Haley. “I have to put a stop to this. I can’t let the rest suffer just because of one crazy woman” thought Haley to herself.