New life

How does it feel to bring a new life into this world? I've been "hmming and haaing" over this question ever since I've gotten married.

Ever since I've gotten married my husband and I have talked about having kids soon but I'm not sure whether I'm up to it. Whether I'll be a great mum? Whether we're financially ready? Whether I'm brave enough to go through labour pains? So many questions to ponder yet somewhere inside my brain back there I have this inkling that I do want to have one but am scared of all the unanswered questions.

Having more exposure to the latest technology and making use of it like the internet and not forgetting my favourite channel in Astro, Travel and Living Health channel, I've been researching a lot of my questions on the net as well as finding out some answers on the tele. I'm not sure whether I'm ready after reading and finding out more answers but I guess I'm beginning to toy with the idea of having kids isn't that scary after all.

So keeping fingers cross that everything will be fine and less scary when the inevitable happens. So new life, new career in the line soon. God has been merciful and I'm hoping He will take my hand and lead me all the way. :)

Unanswered questions

Lately a lot has been going through my mind.

After the country's election, I wonder how the new politicians will be able to prove themselves, to able to prove that they're much better than the old government, whether the older government will find dirty tactics and ways to bring down the new government. After a few days I stopped reading the papers too. All I find inside are depressing news of how the old government are acting, being sour grapes. Even the new government aren't working among themselves. Power crazy maybe? Who knows? But it's a depressing news.

I felt exhilaration for a couple of days when I decided to throw caution against the wind and resigned without a job. This is the first for me, and it feels great. I thought that I would worry about how I will be able to find ways and means to pay for my commitments but surprisingly I did not have any niggling feeling at all. It came about when my manageress decided to be her normal self and act like the demented ever-barking dog she is. Not in the terms of barking orders but more of barking because she's not please about any single thing. In one word, I've had my patience worn thin when I'm being rebuked by someone for no particular reason. Thank God I wasn't the only one who wasn't in her good books. At least it didn't made things as miserable as it was but I really pitied all the uncles in my organization who have been pressured by her endlessly. One of these days I'm just worried a blood pressure in their body will burst and a stroke will occur. Unsurprisingly this has happened to numerous other parties but I guess management has turn a blind eye to it.

Yesterday was Good Friday and as I attended mass I was nearly brought to tears when I think back of how the Son of God has suffered intentionally for our sins, my sins. It has never gotten to me this deep. The vision of the movie, Passion of the Christ came into my mind when the sermon was given.

So, not literally being weepy but been thinking more and more of things happening around me, in my life. Some good and some bad. Nothing unusual about that I'd admit. Just feel a little hopeless at times how things come about. Maybe I should spent more quiet time with God and maybe a little practicing of what I've read in The Secret might help eh? I wonder how well it works?

Is it worth it?

After a long break during the Chinese New Year, I came back with new vigour and determination to work my ass off. I started to get the ball rolling for both projects. I’ve been busy travelling, visiting branches and it’s been a real eye-opener. What I meant in terms of an eye-opener meaning how things are run in this organisation. My job is to ease the burdens of these branches by being the eyes and ears as well as the voice to the management but I’ve been failing miserably in this aspect. With constant figures and feedbacks from the branches and having presented them to the management, they seem to be in denial how badly things are at the branches. Rather than figuring out how to lend a hand, the management prefer to find more faults with the branches which cause more anger and resentment among the employees at branches. Now I understand why my predecessors left the organisation and why I’m stuck in my current position now.

At times, a sense of helplessness overcomes me and I just feel moody whole day long, and it doesn’t help with the new dragon lady acting exactly like a dragon, forever breathing fire and snarling away. It makes me appreciate my previous boss, even if he lacks certain leadership skills.

Tell me, how do you actually succeed in being a better employee when you’re being screamed at for taking initiative to do things better and having your self confidence and effort being ripped apart when you try to get advice from a dragon lady? I’m lost for words as to how do I actually describe the scenario here. Even with constant stream of words of wisdom and encouragement from the Bible, I’m still at a loss here. I’ve never felt so helpless, useless and demotivated in my life. It makes me wonder whether getting pounded by verbal abuse everyday is worth every penny earned?

The past weeks incidents has got me thinking whether what I’ve earned so far in this organisation, will it be a waste to just throw it all away for the sake of my own health and happiness?

It’s time to sit back, pray, evaluate and find out what are my main priorities in life.