Understanding and Remembering

Many a times I've made countless of mistakes be it in taking up a new employment or even to picking the right shoes and even as an adult sometimes I don't learn from the mistakes. Sometimes arrogance take the lead and sometimes forgetfulness tends to rear it's head too.

There are times when I sit back and I think back to the mistakes that I made and at this age of mine I slowly begin to understand that a lot of situations that we go through, mistakes that we unintentionally make are all part of a learning curve that God wants us to go through. My daily prayers consist of asking for patience and God doesn't deliver it on a silver platter. I know that the Bible always tells us that God works in mysterious ways, that whatever we ask for, He always imparts lessons to us before that. Sad to say, I always overlook the lesson part until it's over.

Even simple matters like buying shoes. I've always had a proclivity for beautiful and crazily high heels. Luckily I never buy them cos I know I'll never wear them. One reason being I don't think I can balance that well and second because I think I'll kill myself rather than wear something so uncomfortable but look sexy in it. In the past month, I've bought 3 pairs of shoes. Each time when I try them on, they're perfect but after taking them home and wearing them for a couple of hours, my feet starts to blister and I know I've made the wrong choice. Why I keep choosing the wrong shoes I still can't understand. It always feels so comfortable when I try them on, walking a bit around the boutique to get the feel but I guess, some shoes are just not meant for me. Be it, flats, ballerina look alike shoes or even open toe shoes. That's just shoes.

Not counting other major decisions in life that I've got to make that sometimes I wish would be easily made. Part of being an adult that I totally abhor at times.

Having the time to make decisions and to think back, I realised that I need a stronger understanding and also remembering factor in my life especially on lessons learnt. That way, I won't make the same faux pas again the next time.

What is your price?

I had a very funny dialogue session with a friend a couple of days ago. We were talking shop, bullshitting about nothing then he suddenly asked me, "What is your price?" I never thought it would mean anything, but he meant it in another way. As in, if someone would have offered me a price for a night with a man what would it be? I've never thought I'd ever resort to that. NO! Make it I'll never resort to that. Even I'd have to beg on the roadside I don't think I'll ever spend a night with an unknown man. He continued and said that some friends of his actually have a price, as high as RM100K a night.

I later asked another friend, a girl this time. She was surprised but she was bright enough comparatively to me, that she was offended. Hahaha!!! I told her I didn't meant it in a bad way but I was asked this question by a guy friend and I was curious. Would anyone actually need $ that badly they'd do it? Isn't that the same as prostitution? Then the ball got rolling.


We were discussing how in the world could a woman be that desperate enough to prostitute herself. But my friend, let's call her E. E said, maybe it's not considered prostitution for her. Maybe it's just sex. Hello?! Sex with money paid out. Isn't that prostitution?! E said, "What if it's a one time off, since the $ would be a big amount maybe it wouldn't be" "Then what is that?" I asked her. Can't be a kept woman cos a kept woman would need to service her man when and wherever he wants. There's no way a kept woman can say no to her man, since he pays for everything. Her manicure, pedicure, her facials, her car, her condo, her Gucci shoes, LV bags.

"So what about just for the thrill sake then?" E asked? Hmmm. A good option. How many well educated woman, with a high-flying careers or maybe a career, don't need to be high-flying career, will agree to have sex for $ and for the sake of thrill? That sounds more reasonable maybe. That made me ponder, how many women out there will actually do that? A show of hands please?

Bewitched

Lately I've had this urge to watch Bewitched. Not the new version starring Nicole Kidman but starring Elizabeth Montgomery.

Surprisingly enough a lot of my friends have not heard of this sitcom. It was aired on Malaysian tv in the early 80s. I wonder what was shown here or was it that, no one actually remembered it or didn't even watch it back then.

Bewitched is actually about this witch played by Elizabeth Montgomery married to a mortal, played by Dick York and later on replaced by another actor. I vaguely remembered that I loved this sitcom when I was young and somehow after downloading it lately and watching it all over again, I realised that even back then, they actually showed male machoness to a whole mighty new level, especially in this show. Either I didn't realised it or I was never exposed to it last time, nor now even.

The whole sitcom talks about how Samantha the witch tries her best to adapt to a mortal life and give up witchcraft just because her husband Darrin dislikes to be different. He expects her to bow to his every wish. Funny enough he takes all kind of crap from his boss, Larry, who from time to time, barges into Darrin's private life, self-invites himself to their house for dinner, imposes all kinds of inconvenience to Darrin and Samantha. The show also stars Endora, who is Samantha's mother, apparently a witch as well who stirs up hell for Darrin. Actually the pranks that she plays on him gives him a good lesson but he never seems to learn from it. Shows how men can be really pig-headed at times. Hahahah!!!

All in all, after watching so many seasons of Bewitched, it has dawned on me that male egoistic and machoness has never actually gone away. I might say it has been repressed tremendously which is totally fantastic as I bet, nowadays women would be totally put off with all that ego. But one thing stays I guess, a boss that always impedes on our own personal time.

So here's to Bewitched. A totally fantastic entertaining movie, minus all the egoism inside of course. Hahahah!!

Would you?

On an early Monday morning I got an sms around 3am and my heart skipped a beat when I heard it. After the fear of hearing the phone ring and getting bad news a couple of months back, the fear still continues to grip me. But thank God, it's just an sms mentioning that my grooming school principal's birthday is on Monday and there will be a surprise party for him and all students are asked to join. I guess, some people do really don't need to sleep much and still can work more than 10 hours a day. (Referring to my other grooming teacher)


Anyway, as usual, the day goes by and my husband fetched me to the party which was held in SS15, Subang. He was as always so thoughtful and kind enough to stay on at Station 1 cafe to have his own dinner and do his own things while his wife was enjoying herself at the party. Where can a woman find such a husband eh?

The party went fine and before I knew it, it was 10pm and I knew after a long hard day hubby's getting tired and would like to go home. So I excused myself, gave my principal a hug and left to find my husband at Station 1 cafe. He packed up his notebook and left the cafe. I thought I'd bring him over to wish my principal a Happy Birthday as well since he does know my principal.

Funny enough when we got back, while showering my husband suddenly let out a yell. I thought that he dropped his facial soap into the toilet bowl or something like that. Incidentally, it has happened before so I'm not surprised. I found out that he forgot to pay his bill before he left Station 1 cafe. Talk about being old and forgetful. I bet someday I'll be that too, old, forgetful and forget to pay my bills. Everyone's human after all and human do make mistakes right?

Well, the next evening, we went to the cafe to pay the bill and the manager was pleasantly surprised that we came back to do so. I guess he never expected anyone to actually come all the way back to pay the bill, moreover it's the next day.

I wonder how many people would actually do that. Would you?

When I die...

As I mentioned in my previous entry, I've experienced so much in such a few months. During one of my breakfast with my siblings my brother brought up a question, kind of like ironic seeing that we just only buried my dad the day before. His question was what would we like done when we die?

The reason the question came up was because it was all of a sudden and we weren't prepared to what we should do, what should be done first as we're a Christian family but a majority of my dad's side aren't coverts, meaning they still either are free-thinkers or follow Buddhism. So, there's a lot of what I'll called silent disagreement on how my father should be respected and how the last rites should be done.

Therefore, I write this with hope that one day when I die I'd like:

1) To be buried back in my hometown, Kuching Sarawak. (Though I may not know where I'll be, maybe halfway around the world when I die and will bring problems to my dearest ones in bringing my body back)

2) I'd like flowers with peaceful and soothing Christian songs played during the whole time, from preparation till burial. No chanting, no incense burning.

3) I'd like to have a Christian burial ceremony. I'd like to see peace between everybody and no trying to find which way's the best way to pay respects to me.

4) I'd like everyone to smile and not cry for I believe that I would have lived a wonderful and fulfilled life by then.

Death will always be unpredictable and something that will always bring tears but at least my fears are aligned to such that I know where I'm going and I'm prepared.

My dad

It has been months since I last updated this page. So many things has happened since then. For one, I lost my dad in an accident. Thanks to an 18 year old student who decides to be irresponsible for that day, I lost my dad, just like that. I have waited too long to write this as I didn't want the tears to flow but I guess I can't run away from the fact and it will always keep flowing whenever I think of dad.

The day that I heard the news was about 7am on 23rd May 2009. The whole night I've been tossing and turning, having this uneasy feeling but I couldn't quite put a finger to it. When the phone rang, the dread started to set in but the news caught me so off-guard that I couldn't cry when I heard it. All that I could hear was my mum sobbing incoherently saying that my dad was involved in an accident. I thought that he was seriously injured and I could still make it in time to go back to see him get well.

As I dialed my sister and brother's number, I was praying hard like I've never prayed before in my whole life that my dad would be ok. But the worse has yet to come. I later got a call from my uncle that my dad had passed away. The cruelty of it was I can't say goodbye to him personally. I can't tell him I love him. I can't hug him. He was gone just like that.

The journey home is really vague, but I just can only recall seeing my dad's body in the morgue when I went to identified him as I was the first one back before my other siblings. The memory will forever be etched in my mind. He looks as if he's just sleeping peacefully there. But the doctor said that his bones in his legs were all broken and he moved it for me to see, saying also that my dad was flunged pretty far after the car hit him. There was a huge gash on his thigh as well, also a fracture behind his skull. Now I totally understand why in certain scenarios, some relatives will try their best to deter you from entering the morgue as till today I still can picture it all over again.

The whole thing passed so fast that before we knew it, it was time for the burial. When we were to say our last goodbyes to our dad, the feeling was indescribable. Sad is just a word. Heart-wrenching is also just another word. Anger, pain, regret? Nothing can describe my feeling at that time and nothing will ever be able to.

After the rites has been done, we all went back to a house that's full of memories, happy ones, funny ones, memorable ones and every night I struggle to close my eyes to sleep as I don't want a day to pass by. I want to go back in time, where I don't have to feel all this pain and I don't need to have that vision of my dad lying there but I can't do anything about it.

I've been told that sometimes Christians question God, especially in times like this, as to why do bad things happen to good people? Why Christians suffer? I wanted to ask God to but somehow I never did and never have that intention.

The only blame I put is on the driver and the government of Sarawak. You'd ask why? I'll tell you why. Every morning my parents would go for their morning walk around my area before walking to the market. There used to be a pedestrian bridge there but was torn down to accommodate a new flyover. The government actually installed a traffic light with pedestrian crossing help but the light changes so fast, even I had to run across to make it in time. So I question how does the authority expects older people to run across with their age? What pisses me off more than anything was when some journalist actually made a coverage on this matter as my father wasn't the first victim killed at that junction and post a question to the previous BN assemblyman that stayed near my place, a Mr Alfred. He has the nerve to put the blame on the driver solely on him and his comment on the torn down pedestrian bridge was because no one uses it. What nerve!!! I will admit that the driver is to be blamed but what about the government? Would my father be alive now if the light doesn't change that fast? Will my father be alive right now if the pedestrian bridge wasn't torn down? That I'll never know anymore.

The only assurance I can get is I know that I'll meet my dad one day in Heaven. That's the only way that my tears would stop flowing.