Monday, August 10, 2009

My dad

It has been months since I last updated this page. So many things has happened since then. For one, I lost my dad in an accident. Thanks to an 18 year old student who decides to be irresponsible for that day, I lost my dad, just like that. I have waited too long to write this as I didn't want the tears to flow but I guess I can't run away from the fact and it will always keep flowing whenever I think of dad.

The day that I heard the news was about 7am on 23rd May 2009. The whole night I've been tossing and turning, having this uneasy feeling but I couldn't quite put a finger to it. When the phone rang, the dread started to set in but the news caught me so off-guard that I couldn't cry when I heard it. All that I could hear was my mum sobbing incoherently saying that my dad was involved in an accident. I thought that he was seriously injured and I could still make it in time to go back to see him get well.

As I dialed my sister and brother's number, I was praying hard like I've never prayed before in my whole life that my dad would be ok. But the worse has yet to come. I later got a call from my uncle that my dad had passed away. The cruelty of it was I can't say goodbye to him personally. I can't tell him I love him. I can't hug him. He was gone just like that.

The journey home is really vague, but I just can only recall seeing my dad's body in the morgue when I went to identified him as I was the first one back before my other siblings. The memory will forever be etched in my mind. He looks as if he's just sleeping peacefully there. But the doctor said that his bones in his legs were all broken and he moved it for me to see, saying also that my dad was flunged pretty far after the car hit him. There was a huge gash on his thigh as well, also a fracture behind his skull. Now I totally understand why in certain scenarios, some relatives will try their best to deter you from entering the morgue as till today I still can picture it all over again.

The whole thing passed so fast that before we knew it, it was time for the burial. When we were to say our last goodbyes to our dad, the feeling was indescribable. Sad is just a word. Heart-wrenching is also just another word. Anger, pain, regret? Nothing can describe my feeling at that time and nothing will ever be able to.

After the rites has been done, we all went back to a house that's full of memories, happy ones, funny ones, memorable ones and every night I struggle to close my eyes to sleep as I don't want a day to pass by. I want to go back in time, where I don't have to feel all this pain and I don't need to have that vision of my dad lying there but I can't do anything about it.

I've been told that sometimes Christians question God, especially in times like this, as to why do bad things happen to good people? Why Christians suffer? I wanted to ask God to but somehow I never did and never have that intention.

The only blame I put is on the driver and the government of Sarawak. You'd ask why? I'll tell you why. Every morning my parents would go for their morning walk around my area before walking to the market. There used to be a pedestrian bridge there but was torn down to accommodate a new flyover. The government actually installed a traffic light with pedestrian crossing help but the light changes so fast, even I had to run across to make it in time. So I question how does the authority expects older people to run across with their age? What pisses me off more than anything was when some journalist actually made a coverage on this matter as my father wasn't the first victim killed at that junction and post a question to the previous BN assemblyman that stayed near my place, a Mr Alfred. He has the nerve to put the blame on the driver solely on him and his comment on the torn down pedestrian bridge was because no one uses it. What nerve!!! I will admit that the driver is to be blamed but what about the government? Would my father be alive now if the light doesn't change that fast? Will my father be alive right now if the pedestrian bridge wasn't torn down? That I'll never know anymore.

The only assurance I can get is I know that I'll meet my dad one day in Heaven. That's the only way that my tears would stop flowing.

2 comments:

zewt said...

i guess one will never be fully prepared for someone else to leave.

the question now is... should we pursue the matter? or should we let him rest in peace.

Seaqueen said...

Yes. Very true Zewt. It got me thinking, what would I want when I die.

I'm quite assured he's in peace but pursing the matter is another topic altogether.